Last night: Dear self: do not engage the crazy. Also, do not engage the ignorant reciting mantras rather than thinking thoughts.
Dear baby: please arrange your voracious feeding cycles in writing, in advance, and preferably not on nights I’ve stayed up an hour later than usual in pleasant anticipation of an extra two hours of sleep.
Dear Facebook: stop eating my post about how mean I am to my old black cat. Is it ending up under some Friday the Thirteenth grouping? Seriously, what the fuck.
Dear old, sick cat: maybe it’s the weight loss but you’re more energetic and forceful than ever. You’re also sneezing constantly, usually after a bout of compulsive grooming. And your claws hurt. I understand that you want to spend your time in a soft place close to the only man you’ve ever loved. And who could blame you? It’s respect for your venerable condition that prompts this polite letter. That warm spot you moved into and won’t leave? Is mine. And I can’t vacate it because I have to feed a baby approximately every thirty minutes. And no, I can’t snuggle. You’re loud, I’m a light sleeper, and as I said above, your claws hurt. How about the foot of the bed. I promise I won’t kick you off. Or maybe on Kevin’s other side? Please, cat, don’t make this weird. I want to be kind. I’m just dreadfully tired and also a little insane about irregular repeating noises like the sound of your grooming and your kneading claws shredding my sheets.
Dear mosquitos; I do not apologize. I’d do it again, but harder and faster, if I could. Fuck you.
Dear world: do not present me with something called Soulacoaster; I don’t even have my contacts in yet, I can’t research that shit to figure out what is meant.
DEAR ALMOST FIVE YEAR OLD: Do not lie to your father about where the day amp bus stop is so that he calls me to verify I mean SERIOUSLY world should I just give up, accept my two hours of sleep and get up WHAT THE FUCK.
DEAR DEPT. OF SLEEP WTFERY: I give up! You win! Now the City has shown up to TRIM OUR TREES so they can PULL OUT A POWER POLE.